I want to scream out but I can't

Don't you just want to scream out at the top of your lungs sometimes? I do. Often.

But I can't.

I wish I could find a legitimate reason for me to do it.

But I can't.

Every so often, your mistakes, failures and shortcoming stares you in the face. And all you want to do is to look away.

It's even worse when this wound is opened up by someone you love. Makes it all the more painful.

How did it become that way? I didn't want it... I don't even know whether it was because I can't change for the better or because I don't want to. Maybe it's in me to stay as I am and resist change? I don't know. All I know is that it hurts.

Like C. S. Lewis says, sometimes what makes love so painful is that it points out to you how un-lovable you actually are.

I wish with all my heart that I can just scream and shout and throw a trantrum like a kid. Then it'll be a new day. But that would not be right.

It's unjustifiable. Not to me. Not to my loved ones.

For now, I'll just have to keep it in. To endure it. To stare ugliness back in the face.