I want to go home....

1:19 am, UK time. 27th February 2007, Tuesday.

Supposed to have lessons later, but couldn't sleep. Maybe it's because of the lousy wine. Maybe it's because I overslept and missed my first lectures in years. I don't know.

Finished watching 少年特工队 on YouTube. Laughed the crap out of me. Had a shower. Waited around sitting on my chair staring into space. I do that sometimes. Don't wanna force myself to sleep if I didn't feel like it. If I tossed and turned on bed I'd feel frustrated. I'm not unhappy. Just want to say that first just in case any of you reading this post has the impression that I am depressed or something.

My good friends would know that I do stare into space and go into my own dimension sometimes. So staying awake and not doing anything doesn't mean anything significant. It's just the way I am.

So, as I was sitting around, my screensaver came up. I used Picasa to generate a screensaver using my photos. I saw much of what seemed like a distant past. I saw the pictures I took when I collected my pink IC. I saw the pictures of me going out with my dance members. I saw the pictures of my family and I. I saw a picture of the group of six celebrating my birthday at Chevrons before I left for UK. I saw a picture of the Ye Sheng, Chin Leong, Renhe, Winston and I enjoying ourselves at the Esplanade Harry's Bar.

These photos of course brought out other memories. Memories of my NS days, my JC days, my dance days and lots more.

The memories are so fresh that that I could smell the air I smelled on that day. I could still remember the feeling of collecting my IC from Jiehan and asking him to pose with me in a photo, ever so vividly. I could still remember the day when the group of six went to MOS and Soon puked all over the place. Haha!

All these things are so close to my heart yet so distant now.

Now I lead a different life from that of my memories. No more late night (or should I say early morning) coffees at TCC or The Coffee Club. No more pool at Pool Factor. No more MOS or "Waititng Bar" looking at chio waitresses and kicking people's ass at the pool table. No more Chivas and Green tea while playing drinking games. No more squash. No more doing store in my "private office". No more dancing till we drop (when I say dancing I don't mean at clubs). No more family. No more cheap public transport. No more sun. No more going to Yew Tee Food Court to eat whatever I want. No more alot of things lah.

Sometimes I really want to go back to those days. But I know I can't and I won't. A person just got to move on. Like I said in one of my posts, 过去只是一种人生经历，而并不是一种负担. What's the point of living life exactly the same twice? When I look back on my past, I feel like a piece of my heart was left back there. A sense of loss sometimes overcomes me. But at the same time I feel a sense of warmth, in knowing that the memories I had are happy and that I had not led a life which deserved no memories.

But it's kinda hard to not feel a little overwhelmed sometimes. The powerful memory in this sense would have to be that of the days when I was dancing, especially in RVHS. Why? Cos it's literally a life changing experience for me.

I want to smell the air of my homeland. I want to feel the warm air of a tropical island on my skin. I want to hear people speak singlish all over the place. I want to see a sea of black heads when I walk into a crowd. I want to feel the presence of my family and friends. I want to sleep on my bed and in my room. I want to play my XBox on my sofa. I want to gorge myself with food at the Yew Tee food court. I want to go to Lot 1 KPool and play pool with Uncle Gan. I want to club like there's no tomorrow with the group of six (drinking, dancing, 猜拳 all included) I want to eat my grandmother's cooking. I want lots of things.

I want to feel my heart where it belongs...