I can't believe that it's been so long

For some reason or another, I decided to visit my own blog today.

I can't believe that the last post was made in December 2011.

Has it really been that long? The passage of time sometimes seems fast forwarded in some aspects of your life only to do a rewind in others.

I've had this blog from 2006. Many of my thoughts during my university days are in here.

Some day when I bother to go back and have a look at my own thoughts, I wonder how I'll feel?

Well, maybe someday I'll find out. But not today...

So many people

Why are there so many people around?

It seems like there is barely enough room for me to get enough air to breath.

Everywhere I go there are people jostling about.

Have to fight for my seat at the food court. Have to stand in a long line to pay for anything. Buses are crowded beyond measure MOST of the time. Have to raise my voice to talk all the time.

I know I seem like I'm a complaining wimp. I understand that it's just the natural progression of things as people flock to cities for jobs and opportunities. Especially in the case of Singapore, not only is it a city, it is also a country on its own; which means that people have no where else to go, not to mention the influx of immigrants.

It's just that on average, every man, woman and child should have 0.022 square kilometer of space. May not sound like much, but that's like a 150m by 150m space, PER PERSON. Of course I'm discounting mountains, deserts, etc where living conditions are, let's say, less than desirable.

But still the sense of packed sardines keeps lingering in the air. Have we really so little space?

Again, I understand that cities are just like that. It's just that it's hard to feel relaxed in such settings. Maybe that's why people pay so much for spa treatments. And also, my introvert-ness probably plays a major role in me feeling this way.

It's just that it's so hard to have a good look at life when there is so much noise around. It's so hard to quiet down and dig deeper when at every moment you have to watch out for an oncoming person. It's so hard to focus when you are constantly shifting your point of concentration.

What I am trying to comment on is not the "right-ness" of the state of things. I don't believe that we should ask the government to do this do that. I don't believe that by slowing down Singapore can survive in this cut-throat world. I don't believe that this is a situation unique to Singapore. I don't believe that people shouldn't go to cities in search of a better life (if it is REALLY a better life that they are getting in return).

It is this: What does the state of things tell us about our underlying state of mind/heart?

Are we really willing to give up so much for a perceived material well-being? Is the trade between a peaceful and clear state of mind and job opportunity a fair one? (some might comment that I am assuming that a peaceful setting leads necessarily to clarity of mind. I'm not. But a peaceful setting definitely PROMOTES clarity of thought and to a certain extent a less peaceful setting for a more vibrant society and opportunities IS WORTH IT.) Have we been so blinded by the rapidly changing world that we are oblivious of the constants in life? Are we leading lives of passion and exhuberance or are we merely surviving?

We are creatures capable of beautiful thoughts and emotions. We were meant to think about our purpose and not just say that everything is just the way it is so let's live with it.

While we can say that we shouldn't forget bread and butter. Passion and love goes a LONG way in allowing us to do what we do MUCH BETTER. We have enough people in the world to do all sorts of things. So why don't we do it happily with passion, love and excitement?

There are undoubtedly places in the world where such talk of passion is idealistic and nonsensical. How can you indulge in passion when there is famine? How can you do what you love when you live under an oppressive regime? My experiences in life make me ill-equipped to answer such questions. But perhaps let me hazard a guess at a possible answer.

Times might be tough for such people. But even then, if they live their lives with hope and passion, would it not be much better? If they maintain a passion for freedom and a love for their fellow man, would they not be capable of magnificent achievements? We have seen this in the recent Arab springs where people, keeping their hopes and desire for a better future alive, carved out a society with their sweat and blood for all their fellow countrymen. To these people, I send my utmost respect. In fact, it is often remarked that it is the people who live in the most dire situations who learn contentment, hope and passion.

As for city-folk like me, we have grown obese on our diet of everyday conveniences, basic amenities and continuous sensual stimuli...

Not really mentally prepared

I guess I'm not really mentally prepared to come back to work.

Not that I'm not happy to go back to family. But just not adjusted to the fact that I'll have to go back to the old work environment.

A thing that lives on the top of Mount Everest called Belief

It seems to me that it's getting so hard to believe in things nowadays....

One reason is there's always an "explanation" or an "answer" to the things that seem amazing. And the "explanations" become the salt to bland chicken or the acid to the akaline; it neutralizes whatever wonder that we may have for the world.

There are of course other causes to this difficulty in belief like the deceptiveness of the world and the mind-numbing variety of sensory stimuli by material things. But let's j

ust focus on the first reason: the neutralization of WONDER.

It is so hard to impress people nowadays. Smug with "intelligence", wrapped in apathy and numbed by the world, people find it hard to believe in something greater than they or to simply feel amazement in a joyous form.

My question is this: Is it that hard? To believe, to be amazed, to wonder and to be humbled...

The advent of science, like a constantly accelerating locomotive that pushes the world towards the speed of light has given us explanations to many things in everyday life. Why are there clouds in the sky? Why does the sun rise and set? How can we generate electricity using a metal coil and moving magnet?

In the process, people just started to think, "That's it! Nothing more than heat causing water molecules to vibrate faster. Once the water molecules are energetic enough, they'll escape from the surface of bulk water. That's boiling water!" Nothing more... That's the attitude that supposedly kills wonder and amazement in this day and age. The world is no longer wonderful and amazing, it's just like any other machine with bits and pieces that "happen" to work together to result in phenomena seen in everyday life.

"it's gonna take much more than that to impress me!"

Often it feels like it would take a feat of Everest-scales to impress and convince.

This is my assertion: Although science has provided us with many "explanations", contrary to popular opinion, that does not in any way diminish the wonders of life. ( I know many people will agree with this statement. But it's because it "sounds right". That is not what I want. I'm looking to look at it more closely than that.)

To illustrate my point, I'm not going to try to raise every known example. That'd be an impossible task. Not just for me, but for blogspot's server as well. What I'm going to do is to pick an example everyone knows; an example so simple that everyone can experience simply by lifting their heads (and hopefully their hearts) to the sky.

Clouds...

Clouds are essentially congregations of water droplets in the sky. They're white because of the way sun light is scattered off them. Because of their size and the amount of water vapour, light of all frequencies tend to be scattered evenly in any direction. They move around by being pushed around by wind (i.e. moving air). When they get too heavy, there is an avalanche of water from the sky.

This is pretty much clouds for you. (I ask the forgiveness from those better informed than I for my description) That's about it as far as their "mechanism" is concerned. However, knowing how they "work" doesn't make them trivial. In fact it makes them all the more amazing.

The fact that such masses of water can be suspended in the air (after all, we now KNOW that they are not fluffy cotton balls but water which is really heavy). The fact that they not just float, but move. The fact that they form part of the Earth's irrigation system; a way of delivering massive amounts of water. The fact that beyond the nuts and bolts of knowledge, they are such beautiful things. The fact that beneath all this there is a governing set of equations based on thermodynamics, mechanics and electrodynamics, concepts which are universal and based on rationality.

Isn't it amazing? Something as "commonplace" as clouds can be so complex and can embody beauty and physics.

My point is, you don't have to climb Mount Everest to find belief and wonder. It's all around. Just step out of your door and open your hearts and eyes. You'll find amazement everywhere. In the rising and setting of the sun. In the change of the seasons. In boiling water. In birds flying.

All you need to do is take a step further from what you think you know. Isn't that amazing?

I want to scream out but I can't

Don't you just want to scream out at the top of your lungs sometimes? I do. Often.

But I can't.

I wish I could find a legitimate reason for me to do it.

But I can't.

Every so often, your mistakes, failures and shortcoming stares you in the face. And all you want to do is to look away.

It's even worse when this wound is opened up by someone you love. Makes it all the more painful.

How did it become that way? I didn't want it... I don't even know whether it was because I can't change for the better or because I don't want to. Maybe it's in me to stay as I am and resist change? I don't know. All I know is that it hurts.

Like C. S. Lewis says, sometimes what makes love so painful is that it points out to you how un-lovable you actually are.

I wish with all my heart that I can just scream and shout and throw a trantrum like a kid. Then it'll be a new day. But that would not be right.

It's unjustifiable. Not to me. Not to my loved ones.

For now, I'll just have to keep it in. To endure it. To stare ugliness back in the face.

Being smart

There's nothing to be proud of in being smart.

What's there to be proud of, if it is something you hadn't worked for?

You can be proud of doing something good with your intelligence but certainly not of the intelligence itself.

No matter how smart you are, there's always someone smarter. In fact, it is often the case that you find out that you are not so clever after all when you sincerely think so.

Happiness Left Behind

People work for a living.

More than that, people work in pursuit of happiness, for a better future and to achieve self-realisation.

So why is it that our lives are increasingly UNhappy, exponentially growing in emptiness (don't know if that phrase makes sense. after all, how can nothing become MORE nothing?).

My friend told me that when he was in his home village, every one worked hard. Properly hard manual labour. But every one in the village was like family. Parents stay with their children. If any one in the village needs help, all the members of the community chip in. Most importantly, he was happy then.

Have we got our sights on the wrong things? Popular sentiments would tell you that we most undoubtedly have. But in my opinion, those protests to a superficial life are superficial themselves at best. How do I know that? I know it because nothing's changing. In fact it's getting worse.

It seems to me that people are just trying to feed an insatiable beast with whatever they can get their hands on. If the world truly realizes how futile it is to pursue material "well-being", then surely it must change. Right?

Wrong. The reason is because it's too comfortable to remain in status quo.

I know I sound apocalyptic or even detached from the world. I'm not. I just as part of the world as everyone else.

It's just that I find myself repeatedly asking this question:

As we leave our homes, our families and our friends in pursuit of our happiness, have we already left our happiness behind?

A*STAR Interview

Shortlisted for an A*STAR interview.

Sure hope I get it....

人生的新阶段即将来临

转眼间，三年已逝。

大学生涯很快的就已经告一段落了。

这时候，又到了说那句话的时候了。。。 光阴似箭，日月如梭。。。

对未来，有些期待，也有些恐惧。

Fractals

I've added a new fractals picture to my title space.

Thought it looks nice.

Basically, a fractal is a pattern that continuously repeats itself within itself. Interesting isn't it?

Kinda make me rethink the way we look at things.

Perhaps at some point in time we may see things like our lives, the project we have to do, some people, in one way. Perhaps we're just not getting the full point of view.

Maybe beyond what we see and what we are so damn sure that is right, there is more.

Anyway I just thought that the picture looks nice.

烈酒

奇怪。为什么每次我有兴致来这写些有的没的都是在我喝酒的时候？

也许是因为就能让我打开话匣吧。

刚刚喝了2 shots of whiskey。 正要喝the third shot。忽然有些感触。所以就来这儿发发牢骚。

Whiskey 是个非常奇妙的东西。当你闻它的时候，它散发着一种甜甜的气味。但你知道它绝不是一盏省油的灯。

喝了第一个shot后， 你会觉得很舒服。

但是，当我闻到了第二个shot的时候，我忽然有些犹豫。有一点点的怕。怕醉。怕会吐。怕早上起来会头痛。

虽然如此，我还是把酒给喝了。 你说人是不是一个自讨没趣的动物？

明知不可为而为之。有些人会把这种精神称为冒险精神。

现在第三个shot正摆在我面前。我知道我一定会把它喝下。 我知道我的酒量没这么差。

它那辣辣的味道会在我的嘴里徘徊。 热热地感觉会从肚子直冲鼻子留下淡淡的麦香。

喝了这第三个shot之后会怎么样？我想应该没事吧。就像平常一样。 爬上床睡觉。。。

《不必在乎我是谁》

这首歌经林忆连的演唱感动度很高。听了之后似乎就感受到一个渴望爱情的女人的心境。（千万别误会，我是一个正常的男人。绝对没有那种癖好。）





我覺得有點累　我想我缺少安慰
我的生活如此乏味　生命像花一樣枯萎
我整夜不能睡　可能是因為煙和咖啡
如果是因為沒有人陪　我願意敞開心扉

幾次真的想讓自己醉　讓自己遠離那許多恩怨是非
讓隱藏已久的渴望隨風飛　喔～忘了我是誰
女人若沒人愛多可悲　就算是有人聽我的歌會流淚
我還是真的期待有人追　何必在乎我是誰

我想你說的對　寂寞使人憔悴
是寂寞使人心碎　戀愛中的女人纔美
我想我做的對　我想我不會後悔
不管春風怎樣吹　讓我先好好愛一回

幾次真的想讓自己醉　讓自己遠離那許多恩怨是非
讓隱藏已久的渴望隨風飛　喔～忘了我是誰
女人若沒人愛多可悲　就算是有人聽我的歌會流淚
我還是真的期待有人追　何必在乎我是誰

幾次真的想讓自己醉　讓自己遠離那許多恩怨是非
讓隱藏已久的渴望隨風飛　請你忘了我是誰
女人若沒人愛多可悲　就算是有人聽我的歌會流淚
我還是真的期待有人追　何必在乎我是誰

我想我做的對　我想我不會後悔
不管春風怎樣吹　讓我先好好愛一回

小时候老师说的话

突然有一天脑海里浮现了一句话。。。

“天苍苍，野茫茫，风吹草低见牛羊”

这是一句不知道为什么会突然蹦出来的一句话。是我以前小学中文老师对我们班说的一句话。那时候是因为他要让我们知道中文的美。

沿着这个方向想，我试着回想一些中文老师说过的一些“名句”。另外还有几句是这样的。。。

“学如逆水行舟，不进则退。”
“天将降大任于斯人也，必现劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，苦其心智，空乏其身。”

到底老师的话，我们现在还记得多少呢？

Happy thoughts

Realised that my past few posts have been rather grim sounding and sad.

Well, I guess it's because I only think about blogging when I'm not very happy and I have something stuck in my chest that I need to get out.

That's one of the purpose of a blog isn't it? To let out frustrations?

But then again a blog is also for a person to share about the things that are going on in his life with family and friends. Good things AND bad things.

So I guess I'll have to start putting in more nice stuff that are happening in my life.

Let's start...

I had my grading today. It went well...

The end.

看见别人 看见自己

人往往只能看得到别人，但是却看不到自己。

要怎么样才能看到自己呢？真的好难。

看不到自己，人就好像是一匹蒙着眼的马。只会死命地向前冲。只知道自己是对的，而不知道自己的所作所为到底对别人有什么影响。

所谓旁观者清。要看到自己就得变成一个旁观者。但，这可能吗？

也许，这就是看见自己的难处吧。。。

风扰夜，月圆独斟

好久好久没有喝两杯了。

如今天寒地冻，正是喝酒的好时候。三杯下肚，整个人暖烘烘的，格外舒畅。

差点就忘了这种暖和的感觉。

不只是这温暖的感觉，还有一种轻松的感觉。也许是因为酒精的关系罢。

但说到底，毕竟还是美中不足。难以尽如人意。天时和地利都对了，只差人和。只差一个对酒当歌的酒友。

好向往诗中所说的，“一壶浊酒喜相逢，古今多少事，都付笑谈中”和“酒逢知己千杯少”。

字不醉人，人自醉 15

天长地久有时尽

唯有相思无尽处

孤独

孤独是什么？

是身边没有另一个人？

还是心中没有另一个人？

也许两者都是罢。

独自。伦敦 3

回到了离开了三个月的地方。
心头滋味不知是甜是苦。
天转凉了，心也跟着冷了。
没有她在身边搓暖冰冷的手心。
没有她在身边提供欢笑与温馨。
景物有些变了。
茫茫前途无穷尽。
唯一能看到的是远在三年后的时光。
怎么会这样？
这么遥远的，却如此清晰。
仿佛已经变成了现实。
脑海里的“现实”。

不后悔，决不后悔。
天意如此，无可厚非。
如果因为眼前的艰难而放弃的话，那实在是太笨了。
简直都是笨得可笑。
难道放弃了会更好吗？
绝对不会。
难道被分享过的人生还会想回到过去吗？
绝对不会。

独自。伦敦？
也许吧。。。

Neglected...

No, I don't mean that I am neglected. I mean this blog is neglected.

Well, haven't really had the time since I got back to UK. Had to settle my housing and studies. Also, have to learn to adjust to life without her, for now.

Anyway, just to say hi once in a while. Typing this in the com lab of my school, so don't really feel inspired to write. Haha! Say until like I beri de zai.

Till the next time people...